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Before I go for a run I feel so anxious! It's great to exercise and use up all that energy so I just feel depressed instead.

Basically, the thing is, that every six months I have to go to the dentist, just for a check up, clean and polish, never had anything too serious, but essentially, I think having to go to the dentist every six months is proof that life isn't worth it

Still can't find it. Might have to get the Turkish barber to do that thing where he waxes the inside of my nose. Failing that: Amputation may be the only option.

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I have phantom nose hair syndrome (convinced there's a nose hair poking out of my nose but when I go to the bathroom to pluck it I can't find it)

Care tags is down. Don't ask me how to fix it. I'm too pretty to know how to SSH into the server and restart apache2. I wouldn't even know how to set up my RSA key! Let alone compile SSH for the MIPS Arch system I run!

Did you know you can learn Klingon and something called "High Valarian" on Duolingo but you can't learn Gujarati or Urdu?

I could beat up everyone on this Mastodon instance and I intend to keep it that way.

It's Eid. Shout out to all the white people saying "Happy Eid" I know you're trying and I respect that.

Laser eye pros:
- Called laser eye
- No glasses
Laser eye cons:
- Might have to start plucking my monobrow

Might get laser eye, but would have to get it on finance. So if I lose my job it'll be like please, I need money to finish repayments on my eyes.

I just worked it out, you have to go to google images and type in "Kpop haircut men"

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Does anyone know how you unlock the men's haircut midgame?

Whenever I see someone's vacuum I unplug it and turn it on so that when they plug it back in, it screams into action and terrifies them. It serves them right for making me look at their dust ass vacuum.

People are like why don't you watch Black Mirror and I'm like I already have an app that tells me when I need to vacuum and sends me notifications when it's overdue I'm good thanks.

Me: I wanna do this thing, it seems fun
Brain: If you try to do that I'll make you feel bad.
Me: But if I don't do the thing I'll feel bad, like I'm missing out?
Brain: Not my problem mate.

Banning plastic straws is not enough. Climate change is real and we need to acknowledge that we're failing to combat it. It's time to stop wasting time on ineffective action and start attending decadent bacchanalias worthy of the end of human society

I never say sorry to be the bearer of bad news because frankly I love to be the bearer of bad news

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