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Sports clubs are just polyamory for people who are too straight for even polyamory.

Imagine if you got into a fight with me and realised how elegant and thoughtful I am.

My idea of a balanced diet is a baked kohlrabi salad with spring cabbage sesame slaw, four protein bars and a packet of hobnobs

Thanks to my sponsors Adidas by Kolor and The Protein Works for providing me with my preferred colour scheme. Use code WHEREDOYOUGETYOURPROTEIN for 6.66% of your next order.

New research shows that 100% of food purchased in the developed world is WASTED, it's either thrown away or used to fuel our worthless lives.

Last night I worked out how to speed run my biweekly locally grown organic vegetable delivery:
Put all the vegetables in the oven at high temp, cook for three to four hours. The vegetables will largely vaporise and you can order takeaway instead.

Situating the office as a site of resistance requires me to convince my colleagues that my lack of productivity is not the result of laziness (which would result in me getting fired) but stupidity (which is tolerated)

We are what we pretend to be.

They said dress for the job you want and I decided I want to be lead developer so I started dressing like absolute shit.

Why do I work out 8 times a week? To help visualise myself as an object that exists in a communal reality with thousands of others. It's CBT for the fact that I actually exist in an abstract plane populated by four nerds and a Jira server.

Whenever I see someone walking around and they do something that suggests being alive is OK it honestly fucks me up for days.

Idiots think they can defeat me but they forget my incredible power: Being the dumbest idiot of all time.

Once I've done my run I can sit down and think clearly about how even though life has no meaning and there's really no point in doing anything, my failure to achieve still haunts me, causing a wrenching sadness that might as well be physical pain.

It's really hard to live a life you've never seen on TV.

People who still wear blue shirts love to act as though miso polenta cake with bay leaf and an avocado mousse tastes like it has a flavour and that kohlrabi isn't essentially a fancy looking apple.

I think "ain't that a kick in the head" by Dean Martin has good potential for video memes that need the sound on.

How do I stay young? Simple, I watch tiktok compilations on youtube.

Help Im dressed like Hans Ulrich Obrist and my glasses are smudged.

Don't talk to me until I've had my morning spiral.

Insane how easy it is to tell the difference between "a group of people" and "a group of people playing pokemon go"

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